Leap Day is winding down as I type this. I hope you had enough February 29th to last you for a while. I do enjoy that Leap Day William has actually become a thing so recently after being introduced on 30 Rock. The interwebs are full of explanations about why we have a Leap Day. Speaking for myself, I’m pretty comfortable with the concept. I’ve been around for nine of them and just missed a tenth one by a couple of months. (Technically I was around for that tenth one too, but all of the hub-bub was muffled by amniotic fluid.) What has me freaked out is the Leap Second that is coming up this year.
Thanks, Hank Green. Just what I need, another problem to lose sleep over. There have been dozens of these damned things, and nobody has bothered to bring it up before?!? Why is this not a bigger deal?
We can plan for a Leap Day. You just go through another day, like you did the day before and like you will do the day after. How does one handle a Leap Second? What if you are in mid-conversation at 7:59:59 on June 30th (EST)? Do you try to squeeze in an extra second of dialogue? Do you sneak in a word that you wouldn’t use in an ordinary second? (My vote is for “humunculus.”) How about a longer breath between sentences or an awkward pause before contributing your part of the conversation? Maybe just throw in an unnecessary “um” or “ya know” in there, ya know, to irritate some public speaking coach that may be passing by.
What about TV programming? This will be Prime Time on a Saturday night. Do I have to wait an extra second before watching that summertime rerun of Holmes on Homes? What will happen with that second? A clever, yet brief advertisement? Dead Air? A very quick rendition of the National Anthem being played over a rapidly waving flag?
How do I set my watch? For a Leap Day I just roll over the date. In fact, Leap Days make keeping track of dates on my watch even easier. I only have to go from the 30th to the 1st, instead of the usual 29th to the first I’m forced to endure any other March. (Yes, I am familiar with digital watches.) But what about Leap Seconds? I don’t have ready access to the US Naval Observatory Master Clock. I have exactly two trusted sources for correct time: Verizon and Apple. Will they observe the Leap Second? And what about actually setting my watch to the correct second? It's easier said than done. Do I push the button exactly at 8:00:00 or should I account for human reaction time and the time lost actually engaging the mechanism? 7:59:59 ... 7:59:58??? When do I push the button? Of course I could practice this, but the whole point is to minimize the stress of correctly setting a watch.
I think I have broken the backslash%question mark key on my keyboard with my overindulgence of punctuation in this post. (I would have inserted a backslash between the words backslash and question mark, but alas. That was the best I could come up with on short notice.)
If you leave your discarded Christmas tree out on the lawn for a long enough time, it will eventually disappear.
A side of my brain reminds me that there is a maintenance department on campus. They keep the place looking good. Facilities are cleaned and kept up, lawns are mowed, leaves are raked, snow is plowed, and solstice holiday shrubs are hauled off. My colleagues' trees were taken away months ago, but we have an almost private yard. The hedges that keep students from cutting past our windows must obscure the sight of decaying conifers from the eyes of the grounds crew.
That's just the rational side noodlin'. The other ninety percent of my brain knows that there are elves that cobble shoes at night and run off with unwanted flora by day. Did you know that the photo traps used on Finding Bigfoot cost $460 each? They don't even come with cameras; you have to buy those separately! That frickin' ten percent of my brain keeps holding me back.
Pro Tip #3 (though not properly numbered, that nugget about cryptozoology budgets surely counts): Most of the people that post "Pro Tips" on the Internet have never been paid to perform the acts for which they are giving advice.
Three items led my mind down this bizarre path. First and foremost, my Christmas tree disappeared yesterday afternoon. It was lying on the grass all morning (just as it had the previous fifty-eight mornings) and then it was gone. Next, for some unknown reason, I recalled Ryan North's Dinosaur Comic from February 17th:
To truly trace my madness, click the link so you can view the rollover caption.
There are four Republican candidates spending many millions of dollars proving without any doubt that none of them can win a general election.
Syria ... how is Syria not higher on this list?!?
There is a system in place that doles out huge rewards to individuals who, immediately after learning of Israel's plans for a springtime strike against Iran's nuclear facilities, quickly get on the phone and shout, "Buy Oil Futures!"
There is a public education system that is designed to ignore the most gifted as well as the neediest children and promotes fraud among teachers and administrators.
I spend very little time considering any of these items. I live in a school community that is truly self-absorbed and I wrap myself in a rather thick bubble. There are passing comments about Middle Eastern tensions or today's shooting in Ohio; but conversations in the classroom, throughout the halls, within the faculty offices, and at the lunch tables invariably revolve around campus events. The students do not have much perspective and, as expected, are a little self-centered. The adults are paid to focus on the students and be aware of all facets of life here at school. It makes sense that there is an insular feel about our lives.
Having a young family pulls my focus in even tighter. The world's news constantly flashes on the screens that surround me and I glance at headlines, or if particularly interested, scan an introductory paragraph. One exception came from the creators of Rants From Mommyland (not one of my usual reads). After watching this particular video I really took pause.
To be clear, it took me a moment to stop chuckling, but once I did, I just sat and reflected. I was not pondering the evils of the world nor the intricacies of human nature. I was thinking about how I may have permanently screwed up my daughter.
Before she was born, we were given an animal blankie (official description, not my word) from Angel Dear. My wife and I decided that this would be our daughter's Woobie (official description and my word). The gift was a pink zebra, and we were so determined to make this special that we bought a second one in order for there to be a backup at our daughter's daycare. Because I am a fan of both alliteration and warrior princesses, I suggested we name the zebra "Xena." My wife was kind enough to laugh and the name stuck.
Here's the dilemma, and here is where my thoughts often return. When it comes time to teach our daughter the alphabet and then help her with spelling, she will have no chance with "X" and "Z." How could she? The possession she has been unwittingly set to love above all others is named with each of these inherently confounding letters. To make matters worse, they sound exactly the same! "X" is for "X-ray," and "Z" is for "Zipper," says a responsible parent. At no point would a loving father introduce Xena the Zebra to a pre-verbal child and then watch her grow with that curse. If that were not enough, let me remind you that Xena is a pink zebra! My daughter won't be able to spell the possession she has been made to love above all others and she won't be able to recognize the actual animal it is modled modeled after. I'm a teacher ... a science teacher. What have I done?
The astute reader will see many ways out of this problem. If you clicked on the link above, you saw that Angel Dear makes a more traditional black and white zebra blankie. For thirteen dollars I could pull a switch-a-roo, and after some initial complaining, all will be forgotten. Well you forget that we own two of these abominations, and this does not strike me as a twenty-six dollar problem.
Another may recommend changing the zebra's name. Can you do that? Is it like a boat ... is it unlucky to change its name? Regardless, it seems to be morally bankrupt to change a woobie's name just to fit your needs. I think she/it is Xena the Zebra for as long as her stitching holds out.
This is the mental whirlpool I live with. I spend more time considering the naming protocols for my child's toys than the tax rates for capital gains. I'm ok with that. I like my bubble. There are so many issues that need addressing and so many questions that need answering. I know I can peek outside whenever I choose, but right now there is a stuffed unicorn I wish to dub "Youkilis."
My mother was a nurse, and the pediatrician she worked for specialized in diagnosing and treating ADD and ADHD. Mom's boss was my pediatrician, and he never broached the topic with me. In hindsight, he may not have been very good at his job.
I am addicted to information and the Internet is my dealer. I use Google Reader to follow the RSS feeds of thirty-two sites. Here are my track marks:
I have a recreational Twitter habit that has me only following 112 people at this time (and mostly on the weekends):
I have begun moving some of my information fixes away from the old standbys to that new high that everybody has heard of but nobody has tried, Google+:
Now these numbers are actually pretty modest by the standards of many Internet junkies. I'm a bit of a snobbish junkie, however. If a source is not giving me what I need, I pitch it. I have unsubscribed from countless RSS feeds, un-followed dozens of people, and have been very picky about what ends up in my circles. I do not have a Facebook account, primarily because I do not have total control over what people send me and there is a real stigma to un-friending those who would waste my time.
In the world of the Internet, I feel I have been taking and taking, but offering little in return. Of those 721 tweets, the vast majority have been re-tweets of people more clever and I. I use Google Reader to email off stories that I find interesting to those whom I assume would feel the same. I fill Google+ with forwarded articles and pictures of my daughter, but know that friends and family who grow tired of my Internet binging can move me to another circle and not bother looking at what I have left at their feet.
So what is this? I don't really know. For years I have thought of bloggers as being naive and/or narcissistic. Who wants to read the thoughts of a nobody? If they knew what they were talking about, we'd already know who they were. If their opinions were important, we'd ask for them. The number of blogs I have stopped reading far outnumbers the number of blogs I am currently reading. Yet, here I am. I'm not even being subtle about it. I'm posting this through Blogger for Pete's sake (sorry Pete, you deserve better).
Let me come clean. I like to write, and I like to make people laugh. As I indicated in my opening, I have the attention span of a fruit fly:
This vehicle may be a way to give my wandering brain something to focus on, it will certainly get me writing more than I currently do, and maybe I'll even make a funny once in a while. I should also admit that this is not my first attempt at pouring my Dixie-Cup of water into the ocean. Over Christmas Break I bought the domain name NoSnowflake.com. This was my first attempt at a blog. NoSnowflake was purpose built to be funny, but it really consisted of a bunch of "you had to be there" stories. I tried too hard to set the stage with each post, and it read (still reads) like a bowl of alphabet soup.
I haven't posted anything for a couple of weeks and I am happy to let NoSnowflake wither on the vine. There have been a few things that have happened of late, however, that are pushing me back towards the water. I read +Michelle Marie's post "10 Important Tips for Google+ Beginners" that was trending on Google+'s What's Hot stream, and though the fundamental concepts were about growing your online community, the plea to create original content rang home for me. Shorty after reading that post, I came across two alums on Twitter. @willwashburn and @Khaliqgant are former students, dormitory proctors, and basketball players I had the pleasure of working with. Now out of college, they have started an online business called Social Blendr. They are bright, driven, and funny. I love that they are taking on this huge challenge. Through them, I came across two more of their classmates, @cmerrick and @SarahMBender on the Twitters. I'm a huge fan of Chris and Sarah, though this is not a couple I would want to go up against at a trivia night. It turns out that on the side, Sarah has her own blog, Served By Sarah. Not only has her work made me hungry, it has given me another blog to follow.
So I sit here in front of my computer screen taking in gigs of data. I made one feeble attempt to add something original and then folded up my tent. After being encouraged to create some content, I come across a group of old students of mine doing creative things and making the interwebs a more interesting place. It appears I am going to be the naive narcissist I looked down upon for years. If you look at the number of times "I" has appeared in this post, you can see that I'm on the right track.
There is no plan and no formula. I want to write more, and we live in an age when if something cannot be found on the Internet, it does not exist. I know my wife will read this, and if I make myself laugh every now and then, it will be a good exercise.
